What to expect when you're over thinking your entire life.

 I keep procrastinating everything in my life. Procrastinating when I eat to when I leave for work, writing, drawing, telling the father of my child that I want him in our lives. I talk a big game of being able to take care of myself and I can and I do. The thought of J not being an active father breaks my heart for our coming new born and for him. 

You meet people you can see through every so often. The active need to control the chaos you cause. The deeper pain of not feeling seen by the ones you were supposed to trust and love the most. The laughter covers the tears. It’s a hell of a lot easier to make someone laugh than to make them understand you on an intellectual and emotional level. That’s how I see him at least.

Seeing through him doesn’t mean I know what he’s capable of or interested in. Nor does it mean that we could be together. It just means I’ve seen he’s been through things others haven’t. I don’t want to prevent him from meeting his child. I don’t want to dismiss help from someone I respect and care for. He has his issues with drugs and making rash decisions. I can’t have my baby alone with someone doing lines of coke at 8am to get ready for work he is already late for. 

So am I procrastinating on telling J I want and need him to get his shit together and be a father or am I weighing the options of keeping him around? Is respect and understanding the base of parenting or am I just projecting how I feel about myself onto him? I don’t let people get close to me. If I do that they can figure me out and see how broken I really am. I keep it light and airy like a true Gemini. I get offended when people don’t know what I'm thinking. Before they figure out I am playing a game within a game of my own emotions I disappear into my bubble floating on to the next friend group that doesn’t hold me accountable so I can repeat the process. 

I like myself and when given the opportunities to choose myself and my interests I do; which I think is love for myself. I have gone through things I don’t wish on anyone. I grew emotionally earlier in life than most have to. I knew certain paths weren’t for me in life. I know I make my own way and I am not ashamed of that. I am ashamed of parts of my past. I don’t talk about it and I get weary of if that’s growth or a form of repression. 

Letting J into my life essentially forever means creating a family bond with this man. A man I have seen do insane things conceptually and hilarious things strategically. A man the moment I started letting in I got scared because the potential of something being real between us was so shaking I lost faith in myself. Now he’s gotten me pregnant which he doesn’t believe and abstractly neither do I. 

How did this happen? I was careful we were taking things relatively slow for my normal pace. By normal I mean no romantic meetings and definitely no sleep overs. I kept finding myself on his couch holding his hand or being wrapped in his arms night after night. I didn’t want to be alone all the time again. There was nothing inherently sexual between us. It wasn’t not there but it wasn’t the main focus of our bond. I don’t think I had laughed that hard with someone in so long I forgot I could. He and I were opposites in many, many ways but we were so similar in the way we communicated. I didn’t have to over explain myself to feel understood. We stayed up for hours completely sober just talking and laughing constantly. 

I can’t lie to myself nor do I want to lie here. I was absolutely falling for him. Hard not to when you never spend time with anyone let alone all of your free time and his. I wanted him and I to make it. I hadn’t felt animated to hear from someone in so long. Falling asleep next to someone who never wanted to let go of you causes a chemical bond in women sure. I try to remove myself from my body often. I try to be logical and think rationally because I know when men are bonding they don’t bond emotionally like women do. How often do you hear you're crazy as a woman for being emotional? I can’t afford to be called crazy by another man for I fear for their safety long term. So I over rationalize my feelings and remove them from the equation. 

What can you do for your man? No, what has he done for you to prove he’s bonding with you? Oh not that much? Get a new one before you’re crying on the kitchen floor again contemplating writing his name in blood on a bay leaf to burn it in a witch cauldron you bought on amazon. Men linger only when they don’t feel wanted. Women linger when they feel a sliver of hope you might change your mind and choose them over the metaphorical “boys”. Women are easy to please, learn things about us, be genuine and not shallow and are dripping for your attention. 

Men want a mother, a slut, a therapist, a chef, and someone easy to manipulate so they feel in control like “men”. 

Mens identity with masculinity is skewed and unattractive by everyone yet still never ending. The cycle never seems to break even when they aren’t into sports or academics. If they feel lacking in one aspect of their masculinity they take it out on the women in their life to justify their own shortcomings no one puts on them other than themselves. It’s sleep depriving and leaves your eye twitching like a movie character about to snap every day of your life. For people not motivated by emotions they sure seem to let them rule over their lives. Could confuse anyone that doesn’t see through the mirage. Truly makes me think men don’t deserve rights without passing a basic empathy test. 

I saw a sign that said “empathy is our weapon”. That is exactly what men in power use to keep everyone licking boots and divided on a mass level. I don’t want to sound like a scratched record. I don’t want to wheel to keep turning but hearing the same phrase over and over again. Why wait and push away letting someone into your life? Can’t I put my negative feelings about what I know about men from experience and psychological studies aside? Can I stop over thinking about the father of my baby being in my life? Can I not procrastinate on feeding myself and watering my own garden?